The Letter I Never Wrote

by Rowan

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about

I write songs to cope with and constructively process the things that happen to me to help further my growth as a human being

All lyric and instrumentation written and performed by me
Album Artwork by Ettie Wahl
Produced by Adam Jackiewicz of NJ

credits

released January 22, 2017

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Rowan Seattle, Washington

just a little selkie stuck on land

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Track Name: Widow's Walk
My man has gone again
My man is gone again into her arms
I know he craves her touch, he needs her breath,
He loves her much more than anything
And I know I can not swim, I can not breathe,
I can not win
Against her
I can not compete for I am not complete
Without him
He kissed my tears of salt
Do you think it's my fault
He wanted more?
Come back to me
Come back from the sea
Track Name: Growing Pains
I watched my mother's spine fall out
Onto histories I hadn't figured out
I was a child, and how could I have known -
That a prince's kiss could be such a curse
Carried like disease, making things much worse
Did they know what they took from that little girl

I talk too much - I am aware
I've got so much to say, it's a bit much to bear
I tried to shove the water back into the spout
but it just poured right out
I never knew what was wrong, no thanks to you
But the children believed, as they've been known to do
The lies felt fine before
When they were harmless too

Oh I, I hope they knew

I was scared and small, It's no excuse
But they thought it was fine
Couldn't smell the abuse on my breath
I'm so pretty and yet I have none of it left in the --
Endings bring beginnings, but I waited so long for the start
I was never as bad as they all said I was
Only now does it tear me apart

Oh I'm so sorry for what was my fault
Oh I'm so sore
Track Name: Bella's Dead
It's coming down outside my house
I wonder how you're doing now
Does it still rain in heaven dear?
Or are you burning alone

A pair of crows with clever eyes
A hint of silver and something I'd never tried
But playing cool means feeling cold
Oh why can't you leave me alone?
Oh why can't you leave me alone?

How can I explain that I never intended to cause harm?
I hope you know, but I know you don't
Why do I feel almost like I should apologize
To carry your sins as my own

A jack of all trades, with a soapy mouth
I think you saw me in yourself without knowing how
Yet in the mirror things are closer than they seem
Did you know that I tried to be like you?
Expectations keep running me through

How can I explain that I never intended to cause harm?
I hope you know, but I know you don't
Why do I feel almost like I should apologize
To carry your sins as my own

It hurts to remember
It's hard to see your face
And yet last night when I was wondering
I could not remember your name
Oh I couldn't remember your name

And so I think bella's dead
Til the end I still thought we were friends
Track Name: Dust
Ashes to ashes to dust
Silver seems pretty until it has rust
When buildings have crumbled away
And blue skies have clouded with grey

Flick the switch, turn off the sun
It's far too bright out - no work can be done
Why waste our time in the sands?
When the thoughts that we're thinking are much too grand

Don't cry and don't worry dear
When things finally rot, you won't even be here
Do all while you've still got the time
Cause in the end there's no reason no rhyme

Muscle and tendon and bone
Can you remember the last time you felt at home
What have you done to send them away?
Mother, father, sister, brother - I just want to play

Don't cry and don't worry dear
When things finally rot, you won't even be here
Do all while you've still got the time
Cause in the end there's no reason no rhyme

We all look for answers for questions unknown
Time and time again
Does it help us to feel better?
Running through motions of things that we're told
We all have to do
Does it help you to feel safer?

Ashes to ashes to dust
Will you have anyone that you still trust?
When buildings have crumbled away
And blue skies have clouded with grey

Don't cry and don't worry dear
When things finally rot, you won't even be here
Do all while you've still got the time
Cause in the end there's no reason no rhyme
Track Name: 10 of Coins
Ten coins are falling
Through the lining of my pockets
They spill out on the pavement
Shining pictures of my profits
I can't stop to catch them
(Because I'm a busy woman)
They know I'm counting minutes
Til I grumble, til I want more
Do they know?
What's in store?
More

The coins look so delicious
Little breadcrumbs that I'm dropping
I'll miss them when I'm gone by god,
But there's no point in stopping
My belly aches with hunger
Standing sleepless in the kitchen
The coins keep singing softly
As they slip out of my fingers to the floor
I want more, I want more
More

If I leave them, will I find peace then?
More
Do I have no one I'm beholden to now?

Ten coins are slipping
Through the holes between the stitching
I'll mourn them in the morning
But for now I feel bewitching
Oh, how they glitter as I litter them around me
They make a pretty picture
Maybe then I'll find a mister I can kiss
And I miss him, already
Bliss
Track Name: In The Letter I Never Wrote
Cut me up into little pieces
Gut me out and hang me up to dry
Go ahead and tell me all my transgressions
Sit with me a while, just like I sit with them

Oh you stole my voice, you stole my kindness
Colder than the day I burned my hair
Cheeks flush pink, just like the blossoms on the cherry tree
Can someone stay a while, just like they stay with me?

Oh, I could never say this to you
So I'll make do in the letter I never wrote

Kiss me there, on the corner of my lips
Sweeter than the four winds of the sky
Soon now, the wolves are bound to howl soon
South bound, in the space between my thighs

Oh, I could never say this to you
So I'll make do in the letter I never wrote

I've got my coping mechanisms, just like the rest
I do it for the picture in the corner
So she can rest

Oh, I could never say this to you
So I'll make do, I'll make do
Oh, I could never say this to you
So I'll make do in the letter I never wrote
Track Name: The Selkie's Lament
I saw a man down by the shore
He was so lovely, I want to see more
I can just taste the salt on his lips
But how can I kiss him when I'm in the grips of the sea?
Come to me

I've watched the man run to his home
I know what it feels like when you're all alone
Maybe one day I'll leave the cove
I'll find the courage, slip out of my coat and begin
A life all anew

So can you help me my daughter,
Help find my skin
So I can swim

I was afraid, but now that I'm here
The winds aren't so cold, I don't have any fear
When he sees me I'll ask for his love
Everything's different up in the above
I can feel his hands around me

I'll follow the man back to his home
I don't think he knows mine is under the foam
A lover I'll take, and glad for it too
But something is missing I long for the blue of the sea
Come home to me

So can you help me my daughter,
Help find my skin
So I can swim

Where have you hidden me? (where have you hidden me?)
Where have you hidden me? (where have you hidden me?)
Where have you hidden me?
I want to go home to the sea

So can you help me my daughter,
Help find my skin
So I can swim
Track Name: Outro (Take Care)
It takes a trickle, trailing down your tongue
To taste the blood
And tell me how it feels to have the one
You've loved so much
Taken from you right before your eyes
And yet they lie
Or do you know better?

It's not safe to wander in the woods
Or so they say
(but who are they anyways - )
Can get confused, the path construed
I can help you find your way back home
Is where the heart is --
When you're heartless, where do you stay?
I can help, just come this way